How Good are We at Forgiving?
Sometimes when I'm downtown at Catholic Charities people will ask me if I can hear their confession. I tell them I cannot because I am a Deacon and not a priest. That sometimes leads to a brief catechetical discussion on the difference between deacons and priests in the Catholic Church. I offer that if they wish to go somewhere a little bit more private and spill their guts, and get off their chest whatever they're carrying around, that I would be willing to listen. Then I suggest that when we are done, we could pray about it and put it in God's hands. I let them know that if they wish to have their sins forgiven, we have priests that come every Thursday for mass, and they would be happy to hear their confession.
So, it seems like a lot of people, even those on the fringes of society, are seeking forgiveness, which is pleasing to God. But a question comes to mind, how good are we at forgiving?
1989 was a really good year for me. I graduated from college, got married, and the music we listened to on the radio was good. Don Henley released a song that year called the Heart of the Matter. Whenever I think of, hear of, or read about forgiveness, this song plays in my head and the lyrics sound a lot like what Jesus said. Jesus said forgive from the heart (Matt 18:35), and the lyrics say the heart of the matter is forgiveness, which frees us, heals us, and allows us to move on from past hurts. So how good are we at doing that? How often do we forgive someone who has hurt us?
In the gospel of Matthew (Matt 18:21) we read that Peter asks Jesus how many times he needs to forgive his brother. The answer is, all the time. Jesus knew that for these guys to stay together and continue his mission, they would need to be willing to forgive one another all the time.
Forgiveness is required for any meaningful relationship to survive. Without it, holding on to grudges and hurt brings anger, bitterness and revenge seeking. Resentment destroys relationships, causes darkness and death as it eats us up inside. Without forgiveness, we can’t live.
Forgiveness infuses light and life into our relationships. Friendships that last many years rely on forgiveness. Healthy, on-going relationships amongst our family embrace forgiveness. We teach in our marriage preparation course that an essential key to a marriage that lasts forever is forgiveness. As we read, even our relationship with our heavenly father is deepened as we forgive (Matt 18:35). For us to live, forgiveness is not optional, it is essential.
So how do we know when we have truly forgiven someone? By ourselves we do not have the power not to feel or forget when somebody hurts us. Jesus says, forgive from the heart. It's only in a heart that is open to the Holy Spirit that our injury can be turned into compassion and the memory of our hurt transformed into intercession. In our open heart we can become aware of and trust in the Holy Spirit’s movement towards goodness, kindness, and gentleness toward those who hurt us. We can allow the Holy Spirit to clear our minds, so we no longer think of getting even, no longer wish them to fail, and are willing to help them. It reminds us that God loves everyone equally and we should pray for them. By the grace and power of the Holy Spirit working in our hearts, we will know when we have truly forgiven.
The heart of the matter really IS forgiveness. It sets us free, heals us and allows us to move on from past hurts. Open your heart to the Holy Spirit, let forgiveness begin, and in a world that can seem kind of dark, you will be a source of light and life.